so i believe i just turned my journal public again... go me...
so i am making my journal friends only now good times
whenever my dad speaks my brain starts to vomit... i just want to run into the woods right now... or move to a big city and go to school something... but i am so scared to do it on my own... i am so lame :( but i can do fun stuff sometimes! i want to go to sleep but ive slept 80% of the day... blarg oh well ill see where the night takes me
Mad TV is fun I like the First Season Cast a lot but Mo Collins is very very very funny i dont like this one newer lady... i think she has down syndrome which if she does thats awesome that she got an acting job but i think she has the correct amount of chromosomes and what not... she is just not funny. I felt Sad today so i went and bought hummus and Honey Wheat pretzals... i wish i could spend more quality time with andrew you know just having fun and what not. going on adventures and the like i like that sort of thing i wish i won the lottery or something so i could just be like hey lets go to FRANCE! and we could go and i wouldnt have to work and i could just do fun stuff. megan wanted me to spend the night with her but i couldnt because i am only allowed to drive 10 miles on car... i dont understand how that works... but yeah such is life
i am king of my own future and if i want something and try hard enough at it i can make it happen!!! the sun will not set on me without a fight... its not fair and i can't just let things end... it would be silly and stupid... where ever i am taken it will be good because i know its the right thing and yeah i just know what feels right... if its this good it cant be wrong can it?
i want to move away to another country. in some ways i want to ask andrew if i could go with him to taiwan because i think it would be good for me... and i would like to continue dating i am not quite certain if this is possible but i would like to know i mean it just would be fun i think but i don't know... i dont know much about love or any of that jazz but i know how he makes me feel... and i know i like it... i like him a lot... circumstance has a fun way of turning your life upside down and skull fucking you... andrew is like family to me... i always know i have a person to talk to when i need it... and although he might get frustrated i know he is there and thats really comforting... i dont particularly know why i am writing this here i guess its just things i am to scared to say which compared to what i say to most people as much as i have said thus far in the relationship i think i have done fairly well... i just hope he has as much trust in me... sometimes i dont know if i am capable of being the good boyfriend i think i am but i don't really quite know...i want him to feel he is loved... i think when i have some money i am going to buy him something nice i am into that stuff showing affection through a gift or meaningless object because it gives that object a sort of meaning i would think no it has a purpose... i really want a purpose... i want to go to school do well... make something of myself... i want to be happy... i want a nice place... i want to go have fun with the person i love... i want to soar through the clouds... i want to embrace with open arms... i want to go grocery shopping... i want a pet... i want a family... i want to leave the country... i want to have a picnic... i want a candle lit dinner... i want to feel like i made the moon with my bare hands... i want to feel like lava does when it bursts forth into the skies... but first i think ill go to sleep there is a boy that looks rather lonely sleeping to my left and i shall put my arm around his beautiful body and never for one second think this is right or wrong but know deep in my heart that its happening and it feels really good... <3 goodnight Lj Kids
- Current Mood:indescribable
- Current Music:Radiohead
its funny as a gay man i really have no purpose on this earth... the only reason people exist is to populate. which i am not even sure as to why we do that... so basically from the time i knew i was gay i said HELLO I AM JAMES AND FROM THIS DAY I AM A BURDEN TO THE EARTH... MY EXISTENCE MEANS NOTHING! i want to move to montreal i liked it there a lot... it seems to fit my style a lot... i want to smoke and do random drugs.. life is too short and meaningless to otherwise not too i want to go to a good school and learn something more than what i am not learning in this shit hole i am living in...
i am getting kicked out of my house and i have nowhere to go which sucks really bad... i have no idea what i am going to do my dad still wants 200 a month from me + the cost of my car insurance and i have no idea what i am going i am kind of in this frozen state of shock right now... i honestly want to die... there is only one reason why i havent. my mom has turned her back on me and so has my dad... i cried all last night. when i called my mom i was crying and she was like you are 21 years old stop crying... and i was so confused because my mom has never been like that to me before... then she was just so cold to me... it hurt so much. because my mom is like the only real family i have... what the hell is wrong with me...